[Most Recent Entries]
Below are the 17 most recent journal entries recorded in
|Sunday, June 20th, 2004|
|fun times. . . finally!
aloha dude. . .
yes so i went to boulder last week and here is what happened in kinda a nutshell. . . first on my way i stopped to get gas and taked to the cashier dude for like 15 min, flirtin hardcore both ends and that made me happy. . .then, i straightened my hair eventhough it raining the whole effin time. . .so that was a bad idea but who really cares. . . i stayed with britt she caught me up on her crazy life, seriously crazy, we had such a blast havin coffee, goin to pearl and at the pharcyde show, plus since workin at the fox she has such good tastes for indie music so she burnt me a few cds i am stoked to listen to. . . i actually did talk to and see my old best pal kinda a lot and he is getting his own ride and whatever so supposedly we are gonna hang out starting now often, haha we will see, although he did mention this dude i had a thing for freshman yr is in his frat and has asked about me a lot, plus some other dude is supposedlyt "totally my style" in his frat so i might have to pay that house a visit or two. . .then i came home and worked and went out with my ole pal julie, we had a blast although i smoked 3 cigs (BAD summer!) and got drunk, haha. . .but i met one super hot dude, but he just turned 19 so. . . yup so now i am workin everyday for at least a week, but i am so glad to be friends with britt, scott, and julie! oh and i miss boulder man, but it is kinda not like real life there, it is like land rovers everywhere and the feeling the need to party all the time, yeh so. . . thats all
|Thursday, June 17th, 2004|
|oh la la. . . boulder awaits!
hey dude. . .
well today i am heading up to boulder! i am stoked. . . gonna see my old girl Britt and do the Pearl Street thang. . .good food i am sure. then the pharcyde show! although i dont know if britt even knows what they sing, so hopefully she will like it and we will have an awesome time.
then i am stayin the nite and coming back (i have work) friday. . . but then after work i am gonna go party with julie!! wahoo this is like my most exciting 2 days of the summer. . .then i am gonna be workin a shitload, not to mention 3 days of inventory at 5:45 am! although i thought these days were last week so i got up all frickin early and went to an abandoned mall before i figured that one out. . .haha
but yeh so i am leavin at 1 and i am stoked eventhough it is raining. . .thus i cant wear straight hair or my super cute skirt. . . ah well.
oh and this is gonna be my first time up there not seeing scott. . . it is official. . .that dude blows! whatever, we had our good times. . .time to let go
well wish me luck!
|Monday, June 14th, 2004|
hey dude. . . well i am officially on summer break, eventhough i have been WORKING MY ASS OFF at my 2 jobs, haha fun times. i am workin at a department store which is cool but hurts my feet to stand all day and the other workers are cool although the two dudes my age seem to have something against me for some reason, whatever. Then at my other job, a deli, i pretty much work alone at the register and salad bar area so i dont really get to talk to my co-workers, although one doesnt seem to want to ever interact with me for some unknown reason and then the hottest driver dude is giving me the impression that he likes me. yeh usually i cant pick up on that sort of thing at all, im dumb like that. . .but he is pretty fricken obvious about it. . . so that's cool.
then besides that, hmm. . .ah yes well i hung out with one of my "friends" last night who i tried dating once but wasn't into that and i am pretty sure he tried to kiss me, although i am bad at putting that kinda stuff together, yeh so that was interesting. . .although for once i did not give in, haha.
So this week i am basically working and then i am excited cuz i am gonna hang out with my one friend who i had a class with last semester, we were best friends in jr high for a bit and she is funny as hell, so i am excited for good times.
then the most exciting thing is that i am going up to boulder on thurs and me and my ole pal are going to see pharcyde FOR FREE!! yeh she works at the venue so we are "on the list." so i am going to be in boulder thurs and fri and i am super stoked cuz i miss that place! i am excited to see britt (the chick i am going to the show with)!! but usually when i visit boulder i hang out with my old best friend scott, although he has been acting super weird lately, although apparently not only to me, so i will not be tellin him bout this lil trip. that dude's frat has turned him whack man!
then i think next summa i am going to go to seattle for a bit and visit my pal deidre from freshman year! im excited. . .we might even go to this 4 day concert extravaganza up there! yay!
oh and i transferred schools yet again, haha. it is addicting. so i shall be commuting to stinky ass greeley next yr. . . pure excitement!
oh and i drove my usual jog the other day and it is 3 miles! i always think i am going way too slow, but if i do that in 30min, not bad! so i am too proud of that, haha
|Tuesday, May 11th, 2004|
|bitchin and whining, haha
yeh so i just need to get some shit out, i cannot be holding this in during finals week, i have enough to worry about.
this shit is dumb, but who cares i am writting this for myself. . .
yes so it is almost summer and that is making me a bit depressed oddly enough. here is my theory, summertime reminds me of last summer which was primarily all about having fun. . .i smoked, i drank, i partied, saw shows, i was with my ex, and i did recreational drugs and that is bad, but those trully were good times, i had fun.
yeh anmd now i cant do drugs and drink, whatever, that should be good. . .it is just kinda depressing that all the fun i used to have can not be had again. . .
i know, i know, i can have new fun, non-destructive fun, especially considering the self destruction my old fun brought about.
but yeh, it is being a bitch to find a job, it gets kinda old hanging out with my church friends, not to say anything good bout my ex, but there has not been any chemistry comprable to him with ANY of the dudes i have casually seen since him and that sucks, i am in a lot better of shape, but i am not really ready for a bikini, i have a feeling i am never gonna think i am though just for like mental things, and all my friends from boulder arent friends really anymore, except a few who dont live here, and my non-church friends who do live here like to party it up still. . .not that they are bad because they do things in moderation, which is something i need to learn.
whatever it is just depressing going into summer thinking you pry wont have fun because it isnt fun doing things yourself and eventhough you are all straight edge now, you dont trully fit in with other straight edge people and you obviously dont fit in with regular college kids. . .damnit i need frickin therapy!
|Saturday, May 8th, 2004|
|just remember. . .school is almost over!
ok. . .so when did i leave off. . .ahh yes. . .so since then steve wouldnt deal with the blowing off and asked for an explanation, so that was fun. . .although i think i am getting better at confrontation eventhough i told him over yahoo messenger. . haha. did i mention i broke up with my first actual boyfriend over AOL instant messenger. . .oh and we lived in the same building, same floor, a few doors down. . haha
so yeh. . .then i went to this luau thing last night and did some hula dancing haha, and was just pretty much uninterested in all the dudes there and was all short but friendly when any talked to me. . .so i am proud. . .i trully am on a break from dudes!
what else happened last week? oh yes. . .the O C finale. . .awesome of course, damn i love that show!
oh and yesterday i finally signed something to get out of the old lease i was in, and i told my friend who it was with bout Black Black Ocean's show on the 25th. . .she said she would pry go and look for me there, but she is the only person i know who even knows of them. . .so dont think i would go alone and i dont think we are really on a friends level where i could go with her after living together- did NOT work out. yeh so i might ask my friend Britt, we'll see. . .
speaking of Brittany. . i think i am gonna see Incubus with her at Red Rocks in late July so i am psyched!
damn finals week is this week, arg. . .
so gots ta work on that.
although school is almost over!
|Tuesday, May 4th, 2004|
|unneccessary confusion and complication
well for the record i will just say that boys complicate my life and confuse me.
yes so there is steve who siad twice he would call and didnt either time. . . that pissed me off. that got me thinking what am i doing. . .and i was thinking i am not physically attracted to steve at all, so what is the point? i thought i was just being superficial and would get over it, but this would only cause problems in the future. then if he is already disrespecting me this early on. . .whats it gonna be like later?!
yeh so he is done with, i am not returning his calls anymore
it sucks going from having many dudes to none though
made me start thinkin bout brian. . .yucky
school is almost over! and i NEED to get a job
|Saturday, May 1st, 2004|
|arggh . . .boys
hey there. . .
so then, where did i leave off?
damn, i just checked. . .ok so since then i bought my 4th magazine with thew olsen twins on the cover (and for that reason). . . this is getting out of control, haha
then there was thursday, when i hung out with steve i am guessing? damn my memory is getting bad, but we hung out. . .oh yeh and he introduced me to his friend Jessica, who actually is my boulder pal, Brittany's best friend. . .woah crazy! yeh apparently i have met her but i was always all drugged out and i dont remember.
then there was friday, when i hung with the church friends, started learning some hula dance with them, and then went to steve's and we hung out and whatnot, had fun times.
then today i worked on my CSL portfolio that is due Tues and finished it, it wasnt even hard and now it is done HORRAY!so thats good, but then steve said he would call me at like 8 or 9, it is 9:15 and no word
arggh . . . boys
|Tuesday, April 27th, 2004|
damn i am getting spring fever BAD. . .i am trying to figure out the least amount of work to do while still passing my classes. . .i have always strived for a's and b's but why? i am not trying to get into college. . .i already am! yeh so my new goal is gonna be mediocrity, haha.
so yesterday i had a great day. . .i even motivated myself to go to the gym, and instead of breaking my cardio up i did 30 minutes straight on the eliptical like fast and burnt like 400 cals! but my face was like purple the rest of my gym visit. . .which was embarrassing. . .i mean i work out often and i wasnt out of breath or anything but i just felt like i looked totally outta shape, and i am not. oh well who cares.
yeh and remeber my celibacy plan. . .haha. . yeh that has been vetoed
i decided that as long as i am on birth control and the dude uses protection and we are tested. . .why not? would i really want to marry someone i have never even slept with?! come on now
well. . .thats enough for now. . .
oh wait i should mention steve
we have been "dating" for a couple of weeks now and we hung out yesterday and had an awesome time as always
we didnt even really do anything, like went to the bank, got dairy queen, sat outside, and went to the swings (it has been absolutely gorgeous out lately) and then later on went to the library to kinda study
but it was great. . .and i hope i can ready myself for another relationship. . .as i realized that my last one kinda messed me up. . .but i wanna be able to handle this and take it up a notch
wish me luck!
|Monday, April 26th, 2004|
hey. .. well first off apparently i owe credit for my last entry's title to a certain maddox follower named Rich. thanks dude, haha
that being said. . . how was my weekend? well, friday night i went out for dinner and some ice cream with this campus church group. . .who are actually really cool. i was supposed to hang out after that but i just wanted to chill so i went home and just relaxed. . .oh and i cleaned my bathroom thank you very much.
then saturday i met with the campus church pastor and i officially joined the church. as i have already given up drinking, smoking, and drugs, i thought that was all good and i might as well keep on having sex. . .yeh but then i started thinking that maybe i should wait til i am married. . .i mean i have slept with 5 dudes thus far, but that can stop. . .i mean i could justy fool around ands whatnot in serious relationships and not have to worry about getting pregnant and whatnot. . .yeh so i think i am actually gonna wait until i get married until i have sex again. . .we'll see how this goes, haha.
then on saturday night i just chilled and had to confront this dude who has been calling me that i am actually kinda seeing someone now, so that was fun. . .i hate confrontation
so yesterday, i was recognized at church for joining. . .which ruled cuz it prompted an congrats and introduction to the hot worship leader. . .haha. Then last night i went to this luau thing for csu with a friend of mine and we were to meet another friend there. When we came there were like 50 empty tables but this dude came up and asked if he could join us. . .his name was Luke, he was from England, and working on his PHD in paharmasudicals. so that was cool. . .i pretty much talked with him throughout the whole luau. . .plus there was awesome food and dancers.
|Saturday, April 24th, 2004|
|playing catch up with a "ghetto religious lazy nervous" chick
hey well. . .wow, it has been a while and a lot has happened and i found out that this actually does get read so i feel obligated to start up again
so lets see what has been going on. . .well after the last entry i got real into dating. . .like crazy into dating. i started meeting dudes online and going out with them. . .despite my old stereotypes about how they would be and i must say i was suprised when i ended up going out with some hot ass dudes. . .on a regular basis. but yeh so i was super like sexually frustrated and then figured out that sex was easily accessed and i took advantage of that. . . not to say i was being a ho or anything, but i was hooking up a lot (not even always sex mind you). so now i am definitely off of that as i have been dating dudes and realizing that ppl date to find relationships. . . i cannot just keep all these dudes to a 3 date limit.
so i started seeing this one dude a couple of weeks ago, and we started hooking up but then i decided i just cannot be like that anymore, so we talked and have been hanging out ever since. .. he is just so frickin sweet and i really think that this might actually be going somewhere so i decided to come clean with 2 of the old "hook up buddies" tonight. . .which by the way was so frickin difficult!!! i hate confrontation, even though one was over the phone, haha. . .but now i am done with going out with all these dudes at once. . .i dont want to put pressure on my new thing, but i know he isnt seeing anyone else, and what is the point if i am already thinking i want to be in a relationship with him?!
so there is that
then i have been getting pretty into religion. . i just joined the campus church today and i am actually excited. . .these people are super cool and way fun. . .not what i thought "church-folk" would be like and after all i went threw and learned, i just fit in better with them now. . .they are more mature
so then i decided to study education to teach elementary school. . .but i am scared i might have to go to unc for that, which is in greeley. . .yuck!
and i turned in a lot of applications today, so hopefully i will get a job lined up for this sumemr and be able to move out fall and/or go to cancun for next yrs spring break!
what else. . .i am trying to cover everything. . .oh yes well there is my new plan to bump up the gym from 3 to 4 days a week, do more cardio and actually do the ab stuff. . . yeh i went shopping today and that always gives me a diet/work out kick
haha, ok, well now that i am all caught up hopefully i can get back to the interesting entries. . .haha. . .as if there ever were any
|Tuesday, March 2nd, 2004|
|i suck, haha
hey. . . well yesterday i came up with this brilliant plan of going back to my old job to visit this dude that i kinda used to like there, eventhough back then we both had significant others. yeah it was a major failure, the goal was to give him my new phone number and get it so that we would hang out together sometime.
yeah so i get there and notise his girlfriend dropping him off at work. yeh so that totally suprised and angered me that they are still together. . . i went to school with her and she is lame! yeah so i was shocked and he goes on about how much he has missed me and opens his arms for a hug. . . alas i dont notise until it is too late, so he just reaches out for a handshake, which i quickly do and then yank my hand away. then he says he needs to start working, so i say im gonna go, he's all- you should come back! and im like- i dunno dude
man. could i suck more?!
although it is not like i wanna be stealing someones boyfriend, although my bf informed me that i must go back at the end of the week and rectify things.
so, hopefully. . .
then today i was at school and i stopped to take a religious survey and ended up talking to the chick for a while and then agreeing to meet her tonight
yeh well God must have liked that, because then in my next class, the hot ass, although not my type at all, dude i have been eyeing sat next to me and asked me about our upcoming test!
wahoo, it was swell.
plus, i have obviously been having zero luck with guys lately, but i posted my picture on my profile on the internet, and my internet guy pals kept going on about how hot they think i am. . . i am not trying to sound conceited. . .but i just really needed to hear that after my lack of action lately, it really brought up my confidence. . . awww
|Sunday, February 29th, 2004|
well. . . so this weekend was a bust!
i really only have 2 close friends here in ft collins, seeing as i recently transfered and then had my social circle pretty well dominated by my ex and all his friends.
arg. . .i need to meet more people!
yea so the 2 friends i have here were working and tired on friday night, so i did nothing then. then we though about going up to boulder on sat night, but it was bad weather and my pals down there seemed relatively busy, so we decided another time. so we planned on 2 parties here but then one was busted and the other cancelled, so while waiting for this chick to call after she got off work, we just fell asleep watching the iron chef. yeh so i think i am done planning on having crazy fun weekends. its better to have low expectations for stuff like that. . . then i can be pleasantly suprised.
|Wednesday, February 25th, 2004|
ok, i dont really admit this to anyone, ever. . . but i am lonely. i really am, i mean first all threw high school i ALWAYS hung out with my best friend, well until she got a boyfriend. then last year i lived in the dorms and i basically hung out with my closest friend in boulder ALL THE TIME. . .people even joked that him and i were married. . . yeah so i went from that, not to mention i hung out with my first boyfriend there every waking, and sleeping, moment. we lived on the same floor and spent all our time together.
then their was last summer through the fall, where i spent every moment except for work with my then-boyfriend. and at first we even worked together. even at the hospital, he was there a lot of the time, plus my family and friends were there often, and when they weren't the nurses were always around.
i am just used to companionship, i mean i have become fairly close with my current best friend, but i am just used to being with someone at least the majority of the time. during my rehab it was mom, but now it is no one.
this sucks, i really am lonely and it is making me insecure about how needy i must be. i wish i at least had a job, but mom doesnt want me to get one til summer, considering everything that has happened. then i am gonna save all my money and hopefully me and my bf are gonna take a semester off and go to europe. we are planning on living in a hostile, so i think saving up will be a possibility, but who knows if this will fall through. . . it seems like these plans never actually happen.
damn though i really am feeling alone- like those times when it seems as if only songs trully are there for you and know what you are feeling.
|Tuesday, February 24th, 2004|
|a little ventilation
sorry but i need to vent
first off though i must go on the record to say that i really should not be complaining. i mean, i seriously am lucky to be alive. . . well everyone is. . .but i truly truly am.
first of, when i was in the hospital i had 5 diseases, all of which are usually deadly. at fist the doctors thought i was gonna die for sure. . . i mean i was in the intensive care under critical condition for like 2 weeks.
then once it was obvious that i was alive and was intent on staying that way, the doctors prognosis was that chances are i would basically be a vegetable, living in a nursing home with 24 hr care, then once that was obviously not the case, the next prediction was that i might be able to walk again- in 8 years approxiamately. then that was misproven and the final guess was that i might be able to take a college course in 10-15 years. yeah so the ordeal was in october, now it is february, and i am taking 17 credits, plus 2 online courses left over from my slackage in boulder.
i am not trying to brag, seriously. . . i just want it on the record that i am EXTREMELY thankful for my good fortune and realize that my "problems" could be FAR worse.
with that said. . . let the bitching commence. . .haha, fun times.
ok first off, i had a catheter (yeah gross)in the hospital, and since i had it in for so long, i have been left with like little bladder control, and i cannot hold much water before having to piss like a racehorse. yeah and my new plan to drink 8 glasses of water a day is not helping. . . i feel like i have to pee every second. plus it sucks because when i have to go to the bathroom, i HAVE to go. . yeah no holding it possible, well hardly possible). yeah so that sucks! i am hoping though my water plan will help enlargen my bladder again, plus i can do my "kegels" more often and build those muscles back up again. haha, i cant beleive i am writing this, but i dont think anyone actually reads this, so who cares.
yeah so there is that. . .and then the main problem. . . ever since the ordeal i have lost SO much hair!!!! i have been taking vitamins for it and everything, and i have basically stopped losing hair, but now i have SO little hair left!! i used to have SOO much hair, like i wanted to lose a little. . . thank God though becuase if i hadnt i would surely be bald! i just dont know what to do. . . i mean i have been growing my hair out for like 2 years and it is finally long and everyone always admired it, but now i am like- should i get it cut shorter so it looks fuller. but i have had short hair! i look better with long hair, my face isnt cute enough for short hair! and plus- when my hair starts growing back will i have like half long and half super short?! and what if it grows back straight (now its curly but i have been told this could happen) i will have like half long curly hair and half straight short hair. what am i going to do?!?!?! this sucks.
|Sunday, February 22nd, 2004|
|on superficiality and a raging libido
hmm, well the make up, or rather no make uo, plan has been nixed. i did it for about 2 days, and at first it was exhilerating,, but then i was like, standing next to my fully made up younger sister, thinking- why am i doing this? i could cut back on my make up use but their is no point in wasting the so called best years of my life not taking care of my appearance!
so that is over.
however i have really realized that my personality and sence of humor have gone downhill. you see, when i was younger, like elementary school through jr high, i wore glasses and wasnt real attractive. this caused me to have fairly low self esteem, which in turn forced me to try my hardest to be funny and have a great personality. then, like starting last year, but really never before, i started getting a lot of compliments on how i look like. when i started realizing that i was getting as much recognition for my appearance as i had been previously receiving on acount of my sense of humor, i kinda just let that dwindle away.
yeah so i need to get that back. i would like to think that i am not vain, and i think that is true (that i'm not)and i dont wanna go back to having super a low self image, but i really want to build my personality back up and stop just like depending on my looks to get me places. it is sick that i kinda do that. i never thought i would, but than as soon as i could i did.
so that needs to stop
also i was thinking the other day- i kinda mourned over my last breakup, but now i realize that i should've really mourned over the sudden death of my sex life.
seriously! and buying cosmo and watching a 20/20 special on women and sexuality have really broughten me to the peak of my sexual frustration man, it sucks.
that is the main problem with me wanting a guy so bad, i mainly want some action i think.
sad but true.
|Friday, February 20th, 2004|
|a new plan
well then. today was a good follow up to the plan i proposed for myself last night. see, yesterday my friend told me were gonna go out dancing. i dont even like going dancing all that much, its just not my style, but i go anyways just for the sake of doing something. yeah so i talked to her during the day and there was no mention of us going, so that night i like took off all my make up and got settled in to watch tv. then she called and said we were going so get ready. so i did. then she called and said it was 21 and up (i'm 19)so nevermind. i was kinda dissapointed cause i had gotten all ready for nothing, so she said come to her resturaunt and we could hang out with some of her workers. so i did, and we watched tv.
yeah it sucked.
that was when i realized that i really need to stop having high expectations for everything. i mean i always get all like super ready (thought-out style, hair, make up) just for going to class and for everywhere else i go. why? its not like i will actually get guys in my classes, that just doesnt happen. and who cares? i dont need a guy, i hate how i want one so bad just because im used to having one. not to mention i was used to a pretty regularly fulfilled (well sorta) sexual appetite and i havent had ANY action for like 4 months.
but still. who cares. i didnt have any for 17 years and i was fine. yeah so i just need to make myself realize that i really dont need a guy.
so today i slept in, watched tv, ate breakfast, took a shower, put on my workout clothes, put a pony, and put no make up. . . and went to class. it was exhilerating for some reason and i liked it. plus at the gym, where i go after class, my pal was there and i was telling her and she was all- you hav no makeup on?! wow, you look great. so that was good.
so from now on i am not gonna waste good style, make up, and hair on everyday activities. now if i go out to a party or something that is another story, but still.
and i am gonna try real hard to get my mind off boys too. . . .wish me luck
|in the beginning. . . .
damn dude, i was excited about writing but i just filled out all the shit to join and my profile, so now i am kinda tired. well first off i have been reading this book called Nothing Feels Good: Punk Rock, Teenagers, and Emo, and that is where I heard of this website. I thought it sounded interesting because a while back I decided to check out my ole fav chat room (from like jr high) on mtv.com and realized that i trully do not belong there anymore. yeah everyone there just seemed to be lying about themselves, into BAD music, and looking for online love. . . . no thanks to all of the above. yeah so i decided to try this online journal thing as my life has been relatively eventful lately and i feel like i desperately need some sort of outlet for my feelings, as i am sure my family and friends are sick of my blabbering.
yeah so first off i should summarize my past i think. ok, so in high school i had a pretty normal existance, although i didnt ever try any sort of drugs or alcohol until senior year. also i never had any like, uhm, guy action i guess one could say. but all in all i had fun times. i played field hockey and whatever.
then for my freshman yr i went to cu in boulder (colorado), there i basically first started snowboarding and got obsessed. also i partied rather frequently and pretty much was a stoner, but also tripped shrooms a lot and did other various drug things. that was when i had my first relationship (lasting all of like 2 months). it was a fun year and i hung out with all boys.
then last summer i was back at home in ft collins and i met my ex, we had good times together although he really only seemed to value what i looked like. he wasnt all that smart and so instead of trying to woo him with personality i basically just played the pretty-girl part. we hung out seriously ALL the time and he supposedly "loved" me.
then i was hospitalized for menengitis, among other things, and basically almost died. . . .apparently from some lung thing though. so i quit smoking, ALL smoking and decided i needed to really put meaning into my life besides just having fun. then i realized, after he rode his bike (his license was suspended for a dui)everyday to the hospital to visit all 38 days, that my ex deserved someone who would do the same for him. i didnt even think i truly loved him.
yeah so i broke it off and the next day he called saying he was gonna od. drama queen.
yeah well that got resolved and i havent seen/talked to him for like 4 months.
since then i am back in school and have been like always going out, no matter where, just to go out. and always trying to look my best. . . yeah this was what i wanted to elaborate on, but now i am too tired. . . .anyways tonight i decided that i am done with that! so much effort and why?! seriously, well anyways i like writing this journal, so i am gonna try and keep with it and hopefully from now on it will be more specific and detailed, since the past, for the most part, has already been summarized. but you know, im writing this for myself not for others, so yeah. . . next entry will be more of personal feelings rather than personal facts. . . . but yeah, who am i even telling this to? whatever. ciao.